Boundaries (again)

I’ve said before that learning the concept of healthy boundaries really had an impact on me. Seriously, it’s such a simple concept, yet it’s one that can have life-changing effects.

A friend of mine who asks my advice on a semi-regular basis has no concept of healthy boundaries. He continually asks me for advice on how to respond to people in his life — but when I give him answers, he ignores what I have to say. Actually, that’s not entirely true. He listens, but just doesn’t “get it.” It figures that this is the friend who actually inspired MY learning about boundaries (from a counselor).

I’d love to have a book — or even better a “booklet” (something SHORT) that I could give people when I’m trying to explain this stuff to them. While Cloud & Townsend’s book does a fantastic job of addressing the concepts, the Christian-ese in it was bad enough for *me* to wade through, and I grew up in church. For someone like this friend — not necessarily athiest, agnostic maybe? — I wouldn’t want to hand him that book. The churchy language would likely turn him off to a sound psychological principal — one that is true to all humans, not just Christian ones.

At one point, I emailed C&T to ask if there was any possibility for such a book, but I’ve heard nothing in response. Considering the broader appeal it could have, I’m tempted to write it myself. Anyone have good suggestions for books about boundaries/personal responsibility/not taking on other’s shit?

Yes, I realize that I can set some boundaries with this friend in terms of his asking my advice. Here’s how today’s conversation (on instant messenger) ended:

(after my repeating myself about 10 times, saying the same thing in different ways)

my friend: ok… we can stop this..
me: I’m done, anyway.
my friend: honestly.. you have helped
my friend: but now we are circling
me: Seriously — I dislike being your advisor. It’s not my role, and it’s not one I care to keep.
me: What’s your mailing address?

I know this sounds harsh, but he’s asking in part about talking to the girl in dating. I used to be involved with this guy, and it’s just a smidge inappropriate. At this point, I was thinking I’d just mail him my copy of the C&T book and let him suffer through the language anyway, LOL.

my friend: then not another cent to me about refi’s and buyinghouses
my friend: but I do it anyway
me: You’ve never said before that you were unwilling to talk to me about those things. If that’s the case, and I know that now, then I won’t ask.
my friend: it’s a give and take.. or it has been.. but nobody said it was always fun Al
my friend: No it’s not that I’m unwilling… I dislike being your finacial advisor, it’s not my role, andit’s not one I care to keep.
my friend: goose and gander here
my friend: you are always fine to point out when I cross your line…
me: So, you should too.
my friend: but you never stop to see if you are crossing mine
my friend: thing is… it’s something I allow.. cause of the friendship

This is an ongoing issue with this friend. He takes it as his responsibility to figure out what someone else is feeling/thinking — and gets upset if other people don’t guess what he’s thinking too! When we dated, I guess I was more the “Mars” and him the “Venus” now that I think about it.

me: It’s not my job to guess if I’m crossing your line. It’s your job to tell me.
me: You’ve told me now — and in the future, I’ll respect that.
my friend: yes but you are the expert here
my friend: and what I’m telling you is… I don’t like the line
my friend: I think the line is shit
me: You’re making no sense.
my friend: sometimes it’s ok.. I’m in a good mood for it.. other’s I’m not
me: Well, when you’re not in the mood, what’s to stop you from saying, “I’m not in the mood to talk about this now” ?
my friend: I think the line should be tested.. not to test.. but because if one of us needs something.. an ear.. I want to be able to ask for it when I need it.. not based on some “line” that may or may not represent where you are today
my friend: I was trying that when you called last time.. I wanted to say my piece and go… and you just jumped on to the defensive bandwagon

(I’d called to ask his opinion of a loan I was considering for a house I was also considering . I’ve since decided to stay put and keep my condo a while longer. You know, I should have guessed that he was “not in the mood,” considering that instead of assessing the hard facts of the numbers, he started in on the assumption that I was dead-set on buying a house whether it was a good decision or not. Um…if I’d already decided, why would I be asking your opinion?)

me: Okay, this is something that I think you’re misunderstanding about the concept of boundaries.
me: A boundary is not a fixed line in the sand.
my friend: well I think they are fucked
my friend: that’s my understanding so far
my friend: but go ahead
me: I’m done. Perhaps we can talk again another time, but I have work to do, and this isn’t worth taking away from it.

(I switched my IM status to “Busy”)

my friend: yes… the “busy” status.. that helped show me your boundry with action not words…. “well except for the word “busy”…. *sigh*
me: That’s pretty much the point, yes.
me: I’ll talk to you later.
my friend: and it’s silly…
my friend: and condesending
my friend: and I’m leaving right now to go paint.. not cause of your silly busy symbol… I was trying to go anyway
me: No, it’s not. It’s respecting my own time needs and not allowing you to walk all over me.
my friend: bye.. and really… thanks

This is something that I’ve learned (that I wish he’d get) that’s helped my mental health in a big way…when someone says they’re busy, they may simply be busy. It’s not personal. I wasn’t stomping off and slamming a door; I was making a decision and communicating my decision. I remember in early counseling, if my therapist was online (we did most of our work via IM and a private blog I shared with him) but not talking to me, I almost would feel slighted. Or unwanted. Or something. How silly is that? In reality, just because he was online, that didn’t mean he was online to talk to me…and that in no way minimized the relationship we had.

My friend went out of his way to say, “okay, I’m leaving, but not because you said to.” So what? I told you I needed to work. You have things to do, too. I don’t *care* why you left the conversation, and that’s okay. It in no way minimizes my friendship with this person — just states as a fact that I have other obligations. ***sigh***

Another example:

Yesterday’s tiff over my daughter’s bio father is actually a good example of where I did okay…but could have done better. While I didn’t let that person push my buttons (even when I was threatened with a lawsuit for copyright infringement…huh?), I could have avoided all of this in the first place with a simple response to the initial email that would have read something like this:

Thanks for your concern and interest in my life. If you have comments or question related to a post on my blog, please publish them using the comment feature (anonymously if you prefer), and I will respond there.

I didn’t do it that way, but at least I guess I learned something. That’s all I can hope for, right? Trust me, I would never claim to be perfect on any of this stuff. As long as I continue to improve and learn, that’s enough.