There are times I really wonder if this isn’t true.

On All Things Considered today:

Think Partnered Parenting Is Hard? Try Going Solo

by Lori Gottlieb

All Things Considered, March 29, 2006 · Commentator Lori Gottlieb is a single mother. Most of her friends who are moms are married. And that’s where the trouble begins. Gottlieb is tired of hearing them whine about how awful their husbands are.

I can completely relate. As much as I love my online group (all our kids were due the same month), I do remember that the Fall of 2004 was filled with complaints. I definitely got a bird’s-eye view of how difficult it must be to become new parents together…not only are you adjusting to a new role, you’re also completely redefining your relationship with your partner.

Where Gottlieb gripes about how these women should feel lucky — that’s where she gripes instead of complaining about her “dh” — I found that *I* felt lucky in those early days. Yes, I was tired. Exhausted, actually…and there were nights that I’d sit in bed crying after Maya had (yet again) spit up everything she’d just eaten all over the bed. But, I’d get up and re-make the bed, and move on.

Not having someone else to pin my woes on honestly made parenting simpler for me. If there was a problem, it came back to me…no blame game required. Just thinking…

Over the past several weeks, I’ve begun to put serious thought to my “next” direction in life. I feel that I’ve been treading water for about two years — just living/surviving rather than thriving in my life. The big question is one that we all address at times…

Who am I?
Hmmm…good question. At the moment, the role in my life that provides the most satisfaction to me is “Maya’s Mother.” That’s great, but it’s not a role that pays the bills. The roles in my life that *do* pay the bills are ones that just don’t quite work for me, for various reasons. If I ask myself how I’d feel about doing the same things now five years from now, the answer is definite: I want my life to mean something. Right now, (beyong parenting), I don’t feel that meaning exists. For better or for worse, work defines much of our identity…and I’m not satisfied with that side of my identity.

In early January of 2004, I had a “lightbulb moment” when I realized that grad school could/should be in my future. I was just adjusting to the idea of changing my life radically when something else happened that would change it for me, in a very different direction. In some respects, I’m sorry that I’ve put off further education as long as I have, but it’s been for the best reason possible, one that gives a whole new level of inspiration to my desire to find my own way of making the world a better place.

Over the next few posts, I’m throwing thoughts out, so I can stop revisiting the same ideas — writing them down helps the ideas seem more real. There may not be much coherence to these at first. (Ha! Or ever…)

So far, I’m interested in parts and pieces from four different programs, within three different colleges at DU:

Psychology: Developmental

Education: Child, Family, and School Psychology

Human Communication: Interpersonal and Social Communication

Human Communication: Culture and Communication

Next: What interests me about these programs, ideas for what I’d do post-school, and a look at how they would fit together — if DU would allow me to create my own multi-disciplinary degree.

Amazon’s new “Plog” feature sometimes provides content of actual interest. Here’s a piece of something I noticed today:

A caveat to keep in mind, “overbearing” people generally come from a mindset of scarcity rather than abundance. This means that they will fight tooth and nail to get their way and fight to the death before they have to give up something. Even though you might not want a divorce, you might want to weigh what you are actually receiving from your marriage vs. the toll it is taking on you.

Too bad I didn’t read this years ago. This describes my last long-term relationship (wow…years ago now), to the letter, especially the part about a scarcity mindset.

It’s over!

Would you believe that this was the end of a 3+ month stay, that was originally supposed to last 2 weeks or so? It’s not entirely his fault…trust me…there were many reasons why the stay lasted as long as it did (job stringing him along, then not happening was the big one). Just the same, I feel relieved to have my home back.

This is a big house, for me, anyway. I have three levels, each of which is larger than my old condo. This was *not* a space issue, but rather a lifestyle issue. He’s messy, like a total clutterbug. I’m not a neat freak (I write as I see the dust behind my monitor), but I like a sense of organization. If he’d kept his stuff to the “guest quarters” (finished basement, complete with its own living room, bed, and bath), that part wouldn’t be an issue, but somehow, his stuff just spreads out. Ack!

The bigger problem was mentality. He’s cynical and unhappy about life in general. While this cynicism can lead to many shared laughs at society’s expense (I’ve got a dark humor streak myself), it’s exhausting when the commentaries are constant…like a knack for finding faults without suggesting solutions. I’m relieved to now just have to bring myself up from my own energetic lags rather than fighting off someone else’s.

Ahhhhhhhh.

Oh, one final thing: I’m likely to start writing MUCH more often now.

…about having someone link to you (even if it is in a semi-snippy manner) is finding a new blog that’s alternately funny/enlightening/provocative to read.

From an older post’s comment section:

…something my godfather had shared with me when I was a teenager: “Don’t marry someone unless you can’t imagine *not* marrying him.” With all former dates/boyfriends I easily could envision life without them, as well as perhaps a life with them (and the problems/issues that we had together). Not so my husband. We married within a year of our first date. And I still can’t (or don’t want to) imagine being without him.

I haven’t posted much about dating lately, primarily because there simply isn’t much to post. As I wrote before, I reactivated my match.com membership in January. Within perhaps a month (okay, maybe two), I realized that still, my heart just isn’t in it. Each time before that I’ve said this, I’ve framed it as, “I’m just not ready.” Finally, I admitted to myself that it’s not so much about being ready; it’s about just not wanting it.

Wrapping my brain around this realization — that I simply am not interested in bringing someone into my life to stir things up — is taking a little adjustment. At the same time, it’s freeing. If I imagine where I will be in five years, I just don’t see myself married. I see myself successful in my own right, parenting my beautiful girl, and perhaps planning for adoption of a second child. A man never enters that imagination. Yet still, I’ve pushed myself to date.

I recently talked to my counselor about this and he helped me to see that I need to let go (even more than I thought I already had) of what people tell me I *should* want, to focus on what it is that I *actually* want. I like the idea of a relationship, really…but in all practicality, I keep thinking that the men I see would make life more work for me rather than providing the friendship and partnership that I crave.

On that note, hat tip to Katie for pointing me toward this article. It pretty well sums up much of what I fear when I think about dating. A snippet:

We seem to have carried with us the unreconstructed sexism of the past — the objectification of women, inability to connect or communicate — but discarded its redeeming virtues. Where traditional masculinity embraced marriage, children and work as rites of passage into manhood, the 21st century version shuns them as emasculating, with the wife cast in the role of the castrating mother. The result resembles a childlike fantasy of manhood that is endowed with the perks of adulthood — money, sex, freedom — but none of its responsibilities.

Take a look at the rest; it’s worth a read. I know that there are men out there who haven’t been sucked into this mentality. Perhaps when I meet one, I might find myself inspired to get involved. I’d love to meet someone I couldn’t imagine not having in my life.

You know, I know that I’ve thrown some fairly personal information up on this blog. I’m okay with it, because I’m okay with me. If someone has questions, I can learn where I’ve been less than clear in talking about my life. If someone snarks and judges without asking questions, then fuck ‘em…they’re not worth my time. If someone asks questions, listens to my answers, then snarks…no big deal. I can still respect their right to an opinion, whether I agree with them or not.

I know all of this. Really, I do.

Yet still, it’s just…well…weird to realize that quite a few complete strangers were directed to this post by someone I’ve never met, talked to, or heard of until today.

Such is blog life. Hell, who am I kidding? Such is *real* life; people just aren’t as blunt about it IRL as on the Web.

Ironically, because not a *single* one of the visitors left comments, I wouldn’t have ever realized that this gal had posted about me, except that today, while looking for another bookmark, I spotted my StatCounter link and realized I hadn’t looked at it in ages. Ha!

Oh, man…this got me laughing. Maybe I need to get Maya a picture Bible.

Or better, I could just drop a hint to the grandparents, and they’d get her one in the blink of an eye! We can call it her 18-month birthday present. I can’t believe my child is that old already!

Enjoy a good laugh with me, will ya?

Hat tip to Brandon.

A new version of the Nigerian email fraud seems to have developed. As I stopped into my Gmail Spam box to delete the ickiness within, I saw this:

From: HELLEN ADAUM BABA
Date: Mar 22, 2006 10:41 AM
Subject: Dear brethen/sisters in the lord,

Dear brethen/sisters in the lord,

Greetings in the name of our lord Jesus Christ, I am Mrs. Hellen Adamu. A widow to late Senator Adaum Baba Augie , I am 71 years old, I am now a new Christian convert, suffering from long time cancer of the breast. From all indication my condition is really deteriorating and its quite obvious that I won’t live more than six months according to my doctors.

This is because the cancer stage has gotten to a very bad stage. My late husband died some years ago, on march 27,2001 in a fatal Auto- Crash between funtua and Gusau and during the period of our marriage we couldn’t produce any child. My late husband was very wealthy and after his death, I inherited all his business and wealth.

The director has advised me that I may not live for more than six months, so I have now decided to divide part of this wealth, to contribute to the development of churches in Africa, America, Asia and Europe.

I am willing to donate the sum of US$10,000,000.00 million US dollars to you for the less privileged. Please I want you to note that, this fund is lying in a security company and upon my instruction, my attorney will file in an application for the release of the money in your name.

For your interest in doing this corporal work of mercy, you distribute this money, you take 15% of the money lastly, I have come to find out that wealth acquisition without Christ is vanity upon!! Vanity. May the grace of our lord Jesus Christ, the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit are with you and your family.

I await your urgently reply.

Yours in Christ

Mrs. Hellen Adaum Baba

I’m doubtful that this will cause too many problems…but at the same time, I do know some fairly naive/newbie folks among the hyper-religious I’ve encountered.

The misuse of Christianity like this really sickens me. Talk about taking God’s name in vain...