I’m not sure whether it’s more appropriate to laugh or cry…*this* is why my biggest goal with my daughter is to hand her as little baggage as possible.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad,
They may not meant to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern,
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man,
It deepens like a coastal shelf;
Get out as early as you can
And don’t have any kids yourself.

~ Phillip Larkin

From Trick-cycling For Beginners. (Thanks to Shrinkette for the link to this blog!)

I discovered the “Carnival of Education” today (just what I need: more blogs to read), but find myself very frustrated with the hard-right stance that the host blog and many of the contributors seem to take.

From Dooce:

Sometimes Jon and I talk about what life was like before we had a baby, before the dog, before the ongoing chaos of those responsibilities. And I remember during those first months of Leta’s life when I had a hard time going ten minutes without giving in to a nervous breakdown how I sometimes cursed the fact that we had gone and ruined our lives. Last night when confronted with that hollow silence, the silence of the way things used to be, all I could think was, thank God we had a baby and ruined our lives.

Thank god I “ruined” my life, indeed. Nothing better has ever happened to me.

Via Happy Feminist (see previous post), I came across the April 18th Carnival of the Feminists (just what I need…more time-suck blog reading!). Via CofF, I’m finding a plethora of fascinating posts about women, marriage, weight, and body-image.

The most perceptive comment I’ve seen so far comes from Hugo Schwyzer:

Though she doesn’t expand on it, Meloukhia is dead on right that much of the issue here revolves less around issues of sexual desire and health and more about men’s homosocial status. And this reminds me of my reaction to Joey’s query. Before discussing strategies for tactfully approaching our partners about their weight, men need to cop to their real reasons for wanting their girlfriends and wives to be slender. Many men are reluctant to admit the degree to which their partner’s perceived attractiveness in the eyes of other men bolsters their confidence and their sense of status. Put bluntly, having a trim girlfriend or wife boosts one’s standing among one’s male peers. In this culture, men are taught from an early age that being with a “hot chick” conveys real and tangible benefits in the eyes of other guys.

Have I mentioned lately how much I like being single? Seriously, the decision to let dating not be a focus in my life has been a really good thing.

Around the same time that I decided to blind my profile on match.com, I was invited to meet up with a man (let’s call him Ironman) whose profile sounded interesting — he had advanced degrees and seemed well-spoken, concerned with issues, and intelligent. Because he’d contacted me first, I assumed he’d read my profile.

One of the selections in a match profile is “Body Type.” Once upon a time, my “Body Type” was listed as “Athletic and Toned.” I miss those days, because I enjoyed feeling like the A&T type. While I’m definitely healthier and more active than the average bear, I’m still carrying an extra 15-20 pounds since my daughter’s arrival. As a result, when I restarted match, I listed myself as “Curvy” (I’m all about the butt, waist, and hips…plus boobs post-baby.) After a conversation with a male friend, I modified this to “About Average,” since he and I decided that most people who put “Curvy” really just meant it as a euphemism for “huge and female.” Even “About Average” is questionable, he told me — especially if a woman only has headshot photos — but since I had full body pics of me out hiking, I should be fine. I relaxed with the knowledge that my profile was true “advertising” of me.

Anyway, Ironman read (or should have read) my profile. I didn’t misrepresent myself in any way, and my photos are recent, not ones of me at a much lighter weight. We met for coffee. (Side note: I drove to Denver. Granted, I had another errand I could run, but still, I DROVE TO DENVER. We had coffee, and he didn’t even buy. Whatever.) Within the first five or ten minutes of the conversation, he managed to let it be known that he was only attracted to “very physically active” woman — so they could keep up with him. While I could have taken this comment as not applying to me, um…it did. Ironman was letting me know that I was too fat for him. Oddly enough, even though I considered walking out, we continued talking and had a (surprisingly) good conversation. He said he’d call, and I smiled and nodded (and laughed “yeah, right” inside). Of course, he never called.

God I love telling stories. Now, where was I? Oh, right. Body image, and being glad to not date.

I recently (say, within the past 6-9 months) re-struck an acquaintanceship with a guy I’ve known since shortly after I moved to Colorado — so for about 8 years. BuddhaMan (for lack of a better descriptor) has verbally, if not physically, “chased” me ever since I’ve known him. He’s a huge flirt in general, yes, but he’s also let it be known for ages how attractive he finds me. We’ve both changed a lot over the years, and he now has two children (6 and 3, IIRC), an ex-wife, and an involved single dad’s outlook on life. (He calls himself the PTA mom with a penis.)

No, I’m not romantically involved with BuddhaMan. BUT…it’s refreshing to meet someone who goes out of his way to tell me that I’m hot. And that if I want to drop some pounds for myself, fine…but that I don’t *need* to to be sexy. Then again, he also says, “who wants to be with a 12-year-old-boy?”

Where I stand now: I’d like to drop some weight. I’m wearing a 12 these days, and I’m 5′3″. Because I’m not bird-boned, I actually look thinner at a size 8 than some others do in a 4. Size 8 would be a happy home. The question is motivation. Why do I want this? I’m not trying to catch a male. I’m actually finding myself *more* interested in dropping it since I decided not to date — I think the extra poundage was in part a protection from feeling like I “had” to date. The reasons are simple:

1. Clothing sizes do not proportionally fit me when I’m above an 8-10. This is a nice way of saying I have a little waist and big ass. I’d like to shop for normal clothing.
2. My thighs touch. If you’re a woman, I don’t need to say anything more. You should get it. If you don’t get it, imagine how clothing wears as you walk, and with every step, your thighs pull folds of fabric up into your crotch. It’s not a pretty (or comfortable) picture.
3. Endurance. While I can hike/run/walk now, I do it better when I’m lighter and carry a higher proportion of muscle to fat.
4. Example. It’s not that I want Maya to say, “Mama is thin, so I will be too.” It’s more a matter of knowing that in my present state, I fixate on weight, food, and exercise more than is healthy. I grew up with a mom who forever talked about wanting to lose weight, and it affected my own body image greatly, even as a slender-to-average teenager. I’d like to not think about my size quite so much
5. Did I mention that it’s lots more fun shopping for clothing when they actually fit?
6. Hiatal Hernia. Gastro-esophageal Reflux Disease.
7. General Heath. The truth be told, part of why I’m still carrying extra weight is from a few unhealthy habits…habits that I neither need to keep nor pass on to my daughter. I’m working on those.

On top of all of those, I love knowing that my weight is MY issue, and that there isn’t some guy out there who’s hanging his confidence and status with “the guys” on the size of my ass.

I really didn’t intend for this to be such a rant, but hell…it’s my blog.

Looks like I need to finally do what (it seems) the rest of female civilization has done and read Pride and Prejudice. How could I not, after seeing this description of Mr. Darcy?

Mr. Darcy is sexy and compelling because he is a strong and powerful figure and also because he respects the strength and power of Elizabeth Bennet. Despite the fact that Elizabeth Bennet is rather unglamorous (with very embarrassing relatives, looks not quite up to par with her sister’s, and very little wealth), Mr. Darcy sees her true worth. Elizabeth Bennet is Mr. Darcy’s equal in intelligence, wit, sense, and character, and Mr. Darcy loves her for it. The fantasy is to win the utter respect, admiration and passion of a man of great intelligence and great character, especially a man who is not easily won.

Wow…sounds like a man I’d like, too — and a female protagonist with whom I’d actually identify.

hat tip Pandagon

This would mean a lot more to me if I actually read comic books, but I can’t argue with the short description. Looking back at NN’s results, I see that we run opposite on many of the characters; I’m guessing that has a lot to do with introversion versus extraversion.

Your results:
You are The Flash

The Flash 75% Supergirl 66% Robin 63% Spider-Man 60% Superman 60% Wonder Woman 56% Green Lantern 55% Iron Man 50% Hulk 40% Catwoman 35% Batman 35%

Fast, athletic and flirtatious.

Click here to take the “Which Superhero am I?” quiz…

Hat tip to NinjaNun.

…that at nearly-35, I still can’t seem to hold a conversation with my father about our relationship and the boundaries that are/aren’t there?

Grrrrrrr.

When I give any indication that a question (or suggestion, or instruction) is out of line, the response seems to be for him to think that I don’t want my parents involved in my life at all. Come on, people! This is not a black-or-white proposition.

I did it…I signed up to take the GRE in roughly a month. At this point, I plan to apply to at least 2 or 3 PhD programs for School Psychology.

Possible universities:

• University of Denver
• University of Colorado at Denver
• University of Texas at Austin
• University of Washington
• University of Oregon

The two Colorado Schools are definites…then I might add in another just for grins. As much as I don’t relish the idea of moving to Greeley, CO, I probably should also investigate University of Northern Colorado’s program, since it’s approved by the NASP.

Anyhoo…on to the practice test:

Verbal: 760 / 99th percentile
Quantitative: 710 / 76th percentile

Guess I know what I need to study, eh? I skipped over the writing portions, but reviewing their sample answers at each level of writing, I need to practice there as well (sigh). I’m stunned at how high my verbal score was; during the middle of the test, I felt like I needed to start playing Scrabble on a competitive basis.

Sometimes a little retail therapy isn’t a bad idea.

This has to be the best fuel-economy quip I’ve seen. Ever.