Dating Miscellany

Now that’s more like it — reply from a different contact.
Now *this* is how to tell someone why you decided to send them an email:

Thanks for the reply. I was really impressed by your profile. My masterpiece is someone such as yourself who has beauty as well as an intellectual side. Physical attraction is only part of the equation. I need mental attraction as well. Meaningful conversations about life, love, and interesting topics are what I want. That is why I wrote you. Your bio was more in depth than most and you are quite beautiful too. Also, I have a six year old son and I saw that you have a young daughter. That is important also to meet someone who understands the responsibilities of being a good parent. I would love to know more about you as well. You should know my match account expires at the end of today. You can respond to my personal account at (email address).

Of course, it doesn’t hurt that he threw the word “beautiful” in there. I admit it, I like ego snacks. Another bonus for me is that he sees my daughter as a benefit, not something to put up with. Many times, I’ve received emails from people who “make an exception” to their “no kids” rule for me. Even though I want to believe their intentions are sincere, I find myself mama-lion-defensive of my girl — I never, ever want to be involved with anyone who sees her as something to merely tolerate. She’s worth celebrating, damn it. Yeah, I think I’ll reply to this one.

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Coffee dates.
On the single parent note, I have decided that coffee dates are just not something worthwhile for me. In another time, I would have gladly (and spontaneously) hopped in the car and headed to a local barrista to meet up with a new prospect. It’s just not that simple now. Between being a full-time single mom and living about 10 miles north of town, I have to go through a lot of work in order to make space for what typically becomes a 5-minute size-me-up session. No thanks. If I’m arranging babysitting, I’m at least going to take *myself* out for a nice dinner. This isn’t about trolling for meals; I’d be just as happy going a hike or doing something that I otherwise would do. It’s about the use of my time.

Commenters, what do you think? Is this too narcissistic or self-absorbed for me to think this way? Who knows, maybe the guy I’m about to turn down (for said coffee date) just doesn’t interest me enough, and I’d find a way to meet someone who fascinated me.

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Sex and Dating
Sarah, a frequent commenter over at Hugo’s place, has her new blog up and running. She recently wrote a letter to Focus on the Family’s Brio Magazine about sexual activity before marriage and posted both her letter and a reply from an employee at FotF that didn’t *quite* address her questions.

I’m honestly not too concerned about the premarital sex aspect from a religion standpoint. If you’ve read enough of these pages, you might get the idea that I’m not particularly conventional where religion is concerned. That said, from my past experience, I do agree that sex is something best left to a deep, monogamous, and possibly committed relationship. Sex-as-Sport is a fun idea, and I dabbled in it more than a little during my mid-to-late twenties. Again and again, though, I found that it left me feeling unfulfilled, lonely, and empty. In my attempts to “be a guy” (stereotypical guy, in a love-em-and-leave-em way), I began to lose bits of myself and refill the void with false confidence that needed constant refilling with sexual approval from outside. Oh, add to that, I hurt a few guys who were NOT typical guys in the process, but that’s a whole ‘nother post about how gender stereotypes hurt guys too.

Ironically, I’d gotten past this at the point when I conceived my daughter — but while I was no longer a predator and no longer treated sex lightly, my earlier experiences left me less prepared to indignantly yell NO when my boundaries were pushed.

Back to sex. As I start to seriously consider dating again, I’m now wondering what role physical contact will have for me. I say “will,” because frankly, at this point, I’ve been on the sexual equivalent of the top pantry shelf (hiding behind the extra bags of flour) for more than two years. It’s all kind of academic to me, and I’m starting to think that I’ve shut that side of myself down. What would it take to rekindle a nice blaze without burning down the entire forest? To get more corny with it, I’m in a drought, and I’d hate for someone’s haphazzardly thrown cigarette butt to start an out-of-control wildfire on now-protected land.

Okay, that was stretching it.

Anyway, this is something I’m considering, and I have no answers. Yet. But I do have an attractive, intelligent, creative man who wants to at least say hello. That’s a start, right?