A few answers.

As promised, here are some answers to the questions the freelancer posed to me. I’m still debating whether I’m willing to have a profile published.

Updated: I decided that the only good from allowing the interview would be to provide some fundie preachers with strategic ideas for how to convert folks like me. No thanks. I’m still keeping my answers here, becuase it was a pretty damned good exercise in remembering from whence I came:

Name: Allison C.

Age: 35

Town of Residence: Santa Fe, NM, USA

Occupation: Business Analyst, Marketing. Aspiring to psychology graduate school, someday, when I can actually afford it.

Marital Status: Recently married (24 Nov 2006)

Children? If so, names and ages: Maya, aged 2-going-on-13

Hobbies: Hiking, reading, psychology, human nature, self improvement, music, laughter, parenting (which involves even more laughter, plus a few tears)

Last Books Read: Letter to a Christian Nation, The Red Tent

Favorite TV Channels: Bravo, Discovery, History, Discovery Health, TLC

Last CD Purchases: Dan Zanes, Laurie Berkner (hey, I have a 2-year-old). Otherwise, I tend to buy tracks one-by-one. Last purchased track: Nat King Cole’s “Around the World” as a first dance song for my wedding.

When and how did you become a Christian?

I’m not sure I actually ever became a Christian, so much as I simply was one. I inherited my parents’ beliefs, and as a people-pleasing child, I embraced them with no questions asked. Through childhood and my teenage years, I struggled with being “good” (going to youth group, not cursing, “behaving”) and “bad” (cursing, listening to evil secular radio (ha), and basically being a normal kid). Each summer, I’d attend a youth camp where I’d speak in tongues, dance in the aisles, and fall on the floor. Each fall, I’d return to school and desperately try to fit in — too hard. My parents had it easy, as even in my misbehavior, I was a well-behaved kid. I, on the other hand, was filled with anxiety and self-dislike. In straining to be what I was “supposed” to be, it never occurred to me to figure out who I actually was.

When and why did you start to question the Christian faith?

When I entered college, I was (for the first time) surrounded by other kids my age who were far smarter than I was — and far more diverse. When one friend — a friend I respected — pushed me for answers to why I believed as I did, I didn’t have answers. Rather than seeking answers, I put religion on the backburner for about the next ten years. I wasn’t a non-Christian. I was simply an inactive — shall I say *bad* — Christian. In retrospect, my Christianity during those years is probably pretty similar to the “religion” of most our our country — not a strongly-held faith, but rather a default stance.

In my early 30s, I experienced my second bout with major depression, and as a part of this, came across a wonderful counselor — one who happens to also be a pastor. This deserves an entire post of its own, but let me say that I gained a great deal of value from my work with this counselor — he helped me to root out some deeply held distorted thoughts about myself, and set me on the road toward a more rational (less panicked) style of thinking. From this point, I stumbled onto Donald Miller’s Blue Like Jazz, and was amazed to find someone who expressed just my discomforts with Christianity as I’d experienced it (conservative, highly fundamentalist). For the first time, I felt drawn back toward Christianity — if there was a compassionate version out there, I wanted to find it! From there, I read Anne Lamott’s Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith, and found myself again with a version of Christianity that works with my values. Sometime before these, by the way, I’d found God’s Politics, and experienced a lightbulb moment with that book as well. I’d found my niche. I would be a “Sojourners” type of Christian. I even still receive my magazine subscription in the mail.

As I explored my own spirituality more, I started to realize that my own values weren’t grounded in my religion — rather I was forcing my religion to be grounded in my values. Even as I attended United Church of Christ (left-wing, open and affirming) services, I found myself drawn in by the messages of peace and kindness, not so much the message of Christianity. Easter service stirred me not because of my thoughts of Jesus’ death on a cross, but rather because of the emotional height inspired by a brass duet playing traditional hymns. Each and every time I started to ask myself if I *really* believed in Jesus, I squelched the thought. Why question what I *knew* was true? As more time passed, I started to realize that while I believed in the concept of a God, I didn’t necessarily buy into the whole Jesus thing. This is something I kept to myself — why create a stir?

Then came a question from a fellow blogger. I realized that in allowing myself to self-identify as a Christian, I felt that I was lying. Authenticity has become one of the biggest goals/values in my life — so how could I lie (both to myself and others) about something so very important as religion? I finally admitted — out loud — that I questioned Christianity. Just the same, I quickly retracted that (frightening) thought in my very next blog post. But, the damage was done. I’d asked the question, and now I had to think — honestly consider — about an answer.

The answer I now hold (no longer believing in a god, per se — but still thinking there could be something beyond us out there) has taken a lifetime to develop, and I expect it to continue to develop throughout the rest of my days.

What experiences or people along the way have influenced your thoughts/beliefs about your faith?

Early on: my parents, fire-and-brimstone preachers, contemporary Christian musicians, southern Bible-belt culture (charismatic-type churches, both independent and AOG)
20s: a disappointing experience with the Baptist church and heavy hypocrisy, avoidance
30s: a fantastic counselor, Wallis, Miller, Lamott, MYSELF. I came to the conclusion that I was gaining nothing from religion other than an excuse for inertia in my own life. Recognizing that *I* decide my life’s path has been one of the most empowering experiences for me, ever.

How do you now feel about sharing your religious beliefs with other people?

If share means explain: I don’t seek it out, especially not with those I know are strongly evangelical in nature — and who would want to convince me their way is the “right” way. I do, however, blog about my philosophies and beliefs on a regular basis, and for those who care to read, I’m a (mostly) open book. There’s very little more validating than a conversation with a Christian who respects my questionning nature, and I’ve enjoyed the feedback of many Christian friends on my blog over the past couple of years.

If share means evangelize and attempt to convert: I don’t do it. It’s rude, and not my concern. I am willing to respect others’ beliefs, as long as they aren’t violating healthy boundaries and forcing their beliefs on others.

Do you think you have a responsibility to contribute to the world? If so, how do you do that?

Absolutely. First and foremost, I’ll borrow from the hipocratic oath: “Do no harm.” If I can even live up to that ideal, I will have lived a good life. Beyond that, I want to build on the philosophies of psychologists such as Bill Glasser and David Richo and find a practical way to create emotional wellness (as opposed to fixing mental illness) in our society, starting with children.

What gives you hope?

• Knowing that I can choose my life’s direction has opened up a whole panorama of possibility for me. Rather than feeling lonely without God (as I did, the first time I questioned God’s existence), I feel stronger with the knowledge that I can answer my own questions rationally. I don’t have to rely on magic and emotion to arbitrarily direct my life.
• Through most of my childhood, I worked under the assumption that I wouldn’t ever become an adult. I mean, after all, why build a life when Jesus was returning anyway? In many respects, that mentality is like basing one’s retirement account on the assumption of winning the lotto. Knowing that humanity has been on the Earth for many, many years — and will likely remain so, unless we destroy ourselves — makes it feel like there’s actually a *point* to improving the world.

What gives you a sense of value in your life? What legacy would you like to leave?

Value. Many religious folks seem to assume that agnostics/atheists do not value life. On the contrary, I feel even more of a drive to make a difference in this world. Knowing that mankind will likely be around long enough for my efforts to matter makes me feel valuable, indeed.

Legacy. My biggest legacy is sleeping downstairs — my 2-year-old daughter has the potential to be much more emotionally healthy than I ever was as a child. I can only imagine who she may become without all the baggage I’ve had to discard over the years — much of it that was handed to me by religion! I want to instill in her a bent toward critical analysis and rational thought. It’s not that I want her to be a scientist (though that’d be fabulous); I simply want her to *think* about what she believes and why — something I failed to do until my late-20s/early-30s.

My pipe-dream legacy would be driving schools in the US (or elsewhere, if the US won’t consider it) to fundamentally re-think how children are taught. I’d love to see a focus on treating kids with respect *and* expecting a lot from them in return. If kids today don’t give much, it’s only because they’ve learned that we don’t expect it. How much more productive could our society be if we eliminated all of the workplace drama created by emotionally immature employees? I want to be the snowball to get that avalanche rolling.

Whew…that was a lot longer than I’d planned!