The other day, I was talking to my hiking partner about dating — she’s been married nine years and never really did the dating-as-an-adult thing. She lives vicariously through my experience and frequently comments how glad she is to NOT HAVE TO DO THIS. Can’t say I blame her.

Anyway, we were talking about the process by which a couple normally falls in love. There’s the early, fluttery passion — when each can’t get the other out of their mind. That, in theory, lasts long enough to develop the bonds of friendship and compassion — the parts that actually sustain a relationship over the long haul. This all makes perfect sense to me, and I said as much. Then, I added that I couldn’t remember the last time I was in that fluttery phase with someone. Read the rest of this entry »

Seen on the “who’s viewed me recently” page:

I am a small town boy, who loves his momma.

Alrighty, then.

Yes, yes, I KNOW this can be a good thing. I want a guy to love his mother. But for the first sentence of a match.com profile?

Eh, more likely just an excuse to procrastinate for five minutes…

I’m starting to think I should offer profile consulting to people on match.com (men and women alike — but definitely men, since I’ve read hundreds of men’s profiles over the years). What would one charge for that, anyway?

Read the rest of this entry »

…I had a very nice first date last night.

The food was simply awful (but my date was rather gracious about it, even when the restaurant owner stopped by to visit). I ordered: Crepes Provencale: Sauteed beef tenderloin in crepes with a fresh thyme and mushroom cream sauce. For the starch, I chose pasta with red sauce. I got: thick, rubbery pancake-type “crepes” with what seemed to be overcooked stew meat, topped with a sauce that seemed to be from Campbells and canned mushrooms; spaghetti that could well have come from Chef Boy-r-Dee. My date’s steak had more tendon and fat threaded through it than I’d expect to feed my dogs. Horrendous. At least the salad and wine were good.

And the company? Great. There’s a good click there (chemistry, too), and in theory, he’s asked me out for next weekend. I say “in theory,” because until we have formal plans, I take anything with a grain of salt. That’s the cynic in me coming out to rain on the parade.

What a nice change of pace to have a date with a man instead of a “guy.”

(chemistry, but really, it’s the same thing)

This description goes with the theory that less is more so….I’m a laid back, athletic, type B person. I’ve travelled. I’ve stayed home. I like both. Prefer college sports to pro but even more, prefer doing to watching. Thats all you get for now. Since you’ve read this far, that means you’re interested which is understandable of course;-) You’ll have to earn the rest. Drop me a line.

Um, I’ve read that far, but it only means you told me nothing, nada, zip, zilch about yourself. Try again. You might be an amazing person, but I sure can’t tell anything about you from your profile that differentiates you from the thousands of other “buzzword compliant” Colorado guys out there.

I remembered that I haven’t visited chemistry.com for a bit (match’s attempt at something like eHarmony — they gave me a “free” lifetime membership), so I popped on to see who they’re suggesting I might like. Here’s the first entry:

Looking for Hot Lady

Looking for a hot lady not a moron to spend sometime with and of course treat her very well. I am considered good looking and would like to find a women from a good family who would like to have fun and enjoy life. Please no fatties or lazy babes, please.

Swoon.

.

.

.

.

Bwuhahahahahahahaha!

Dude, he didn’t even post a photo. Did you hear me? No. Photo. I’m tempted to contact him just so I could mess with his head.

Nahhhhhhh.

Do you know what really annoys me?

I mean *really* annoys me?

Being treated as if I’m an inactive slug who eats badly, because I’m still not skinny after having a child. Actually, it doesn’t annoy me. It pisses me off. It also hurts, and I find myself questioning this whole “dating” thing because of it.

Where’s this coming from? Here’s where.

Read the rest of this entry »

Photo posed with Dodge Ram truck? Check.

Photo posed with motorcycle? Check.

Sports fan who loves to watch on TV? Check.

“Likes” includes “having fun”? (Because you know, so many people *hate* having fun, after all.) Check.

Has a favorite NASCAR driver? Check.

Religion is Southern Baptist? Check.

Numerous grievous misspellings throughout profile? Check.

Ditto for grammatical errors? Check.

Ummm…did you even bother to read my profile?

Rough paraphrase of something I told my counselor last week:

Growing up, I never had a concept of myself as an adult.

Seriously, I think my first major depression (at age 26) was largely brought on by a lack of vision for myself and my future. I’d grown up expecting to go to school, get good grades, climb “the ladder” (whichever ladder happened to sit in front of me), get married (right after college, of course), and then…live happily ever after. Or something. Since that didn’t happen, I woke up one day wondering what the hell I was supposed to do next!

Via PZ Myers, I found a thread on Rapture Ready’s bulletin boards that was downright disturbing.

Initial post:
Is it time to get excited? I can’t help the way I feel. For the first time in my Christian walk, I have no doubts that the day of the Lords appearing is upon us. I have never felt this way before, I have a joy that bubbles up every-time I think of him, for I know this is truly the time I have waited for so long. Am I alone in feeling guilty about the human suffering like my joy at his appearing some how fuels the evil I see everywhere. If it were not for the souls that hang in the balance and the horror that stalks man daily on this earth, my joy would be complete. For those of us who await his arrival know, somehow we just know it won’t be long now, the Bridegroom cometh rather man is ready are not.

Example of a following comment:
I too am soooo excited!! I get goose bumps, literally, when I watch what’s going on in the M.E.!! And Watcherboy, you were so right when saying it was quite a day yesterday, in the world news, and I add in local news here in the Boston area!! Tunnel ceiling collapsed on a car and killed a woman of faith, and we had the most terrifying storms I have ever seen here!! But, yes, Ohappyday, like in your screen name , it is most indeed a time to be happy and excited, right there with ya!!

Here’s a link to a cached copy of the thread, since even the folks at Rapture-Ready must have realized the following comments weren’t something to be left posted.

Back to me…because this blog *is* all about ME, you know.

If you’re still reading, you’ve probably already figured out where I’m heading with this. It took a little longer for the mini-lightbulb to illuminate over my head.

I now realize that part of why I never envisioned a future for my life is because I didn’t expect to have a future. I fully expected the world to end.

C’mon. If the world’s just going to end, anyway, why would I need to plan for my own future? Why would I need to save money, develop a career, teach children to become a stronger next generation, (add generally good ideas ad nauseum here)?

In my previous experiences on match.com, I was entertaining a fantasy of man-who-will-save-me and a happily-ever-after future. Trust me when I tell you that I’m now way past that (finally, at nearly 35). I no longer experience a sense of giddiness when I see someone interesting, but rather a mild thought of, “oh, that might work.” I kind of miss the giddy part, to tell the truth.

Isn’t the rapture-ready attitude nothing more than the mother of all knight in shining armor fantasies? If people are preparing for the end of the world , what motivation do they have to improve life right here, right now? Just as I became a better steward of my own life once I decided I might *never* get married, don’t you think humans would take better care of our world, our peace, our environment — if they’d stop waiting for the world to end?

This end-times mentality had an effect on my life outlook, even if it wasn’t conscious. I haven’t been “waiting” for the rapture for many years now, but I still realize (in retrospect) that the mentality I learned as a kid has had some pretty negative impacts on my life.

What I really wonder is how much of this *still* lingers in my subconscious. There are many ways in which my anger at church comes from all of the psychological trauma and erroneous thinking that church gave me. There are a few of you who read here who’ve been through similar ickiness, yet still stay in church (NN, I’m thinking of you!). How do you get past all the bullshit?

~~~~~

Kevin Phillips’ American Theocracy has been sitting on my nightstand for a few weeks now, yet I’ve still not finished it. I keep setting it aside in favor of other, somewhat brighter, books. It’s dry. It’s depressing. It’s probably more than a little alarmist and over-the-top, although reading the RR site makes me wonder about that part.

I’ve finally skipped past the part on oil and energy to push ahead into the portions on religion. I haven’t read enough of it yet to comment, but Echidne has a pretty details post about it today. It’s heavy stuff, and I didn’t labor through all of the theological quotes…just read enough to get a sense of the message. Interesting stuff.

Here’s a sample. You can read the rest here.

The most interesting and frightening aspect of this magical thinking is Rapturism, the belief that we are living in the end-times, that Jesus’s second coming is near. End-timers have always existed in Christianity, but only in the last few decades have they actually had the political power to cause the world to end, and only in the United States. Doesn’t that make shivers run up your spine? That you might live in the country which sort of likes the idea of an apocalypse, because then all the “good” Christians will be sucked up by the heavenly vacuum cleaner, while the rest of us sinners will be put through the heavenly torture mangle? Well, believe it or not, but there are many millions of Americans who are sighing happily right now while listening to the news reports from Lebanon. Every additional death takes them closer to the happy moment when Christ will open up his arms and these Christians will leap into his lap. Later in this post I will share with you some of that happiness of the True Believers Who Have Been Saved.

Yes, it makes me shudder too — because I’ve seen the effect this mentality has had on my own life. Can you imagine how things will play out if there’s political power in the hands of someone who thinks this way?

I may add a little more on this later, I may not. Whatever, it was SO nice to have a date I actually enjoyed, rather than tolerated.

From: Allison
Date: Jul 15, 2006 6:08 AM
Subject: Accolades and Apologies

Hi, (name)!

First, the accolades:

1. I had a blast. Seriously, what fun — I’ll pay for it on the trail this morning, but I really enjoyed dinner/dessert/drinks with you last night.
2. The conversation was great. It’s so refreshing (that word again — it just fits) to meet up with someone and not find myself struggling to keep conversation going, or alternately thinking to myself, “can I go home yet?”
3. Mmmmm. Kisses. Good stuff.

The apologies:

1. If I’d been thinking about it, I would have stopped with the red wine. A little unwinding (or “sin”) is a great thing. More isn’t necessarily better. Blame it on my lack of getting out enough, no recent practice getting out of the damned house, whatever…I. know. better. I hope I didn’t come across as an ass.
2. The bill — I wasn’t paying attention and should have been quicker about grabbing my purse. Thanks for being gracious about it.

Blech, I hate laying in bed feeling sheepish and mentally writing emails. It’s way better to just get the thoughts out there. Now that that part’s out of the way…I’d love to see you again sometime.

Have a great Saturday! I’m off to guzzle (even more) water, take a few advil, and hit the trail. Oh, to be 25 again!

Allison

It wasn’t that I had too much to drink entirely…just too much for a first date, if you know what I mean? Oh, social lubrication, you are the bane of my dating existence!

But still — what fun.

Received:

Subject: hi how are you

Message: how are you tonight

(quotes short, uninspired profile word. for. word.)

Set aside for a moment the fact that this man has written to me before — not recently, but maybe in my “last round” of match dating. I told him “no” then, too.

Replied:

Hey there — I’m not your girl, but I thought I’d give you a little unsolicited advice:

Please, please write something original to each woman you contact. Tell her why you’re writing specifically to her. What about her appeals to you?

Getting an email like this is vaguely offensive, much like junk mail or email spam. It’s not to me, and it appears that you could send notes to 100 different women in a single sitting. We want to feel special.

Good luck to you.

Target marketing, buddy. Look it up.

Ego snacks from SWM, 45 in Kansas City:

We probably will never meet, but if you think that you’re special, I will second that motion. You radiate. You’re the kind of woman that a man can love hard and you will only be stronger for it.

Daayummm. Nice morale booster.

Who the hell picks a username like “DominantDan” anyway?

I am looking for a strong, fiesty spirited submissive who’s willing to challenge my mind, as well as obediently serve her Master for both our needs.

Oh, that’s who. And this person send *me* a wink? Wha…?

We went grocery shopping this evening, and as we waited to check out, I indulged in the guilty pleasure of scanning the tabloid covers. Just after I rolled my eyes at the booklet Astrology for your Cat (really, it was on the end of the aisle, complete with an adorable Himalaya gazing out from the cover), I saw this book, and nearly lost it laughing:

I shouldn’t be surprised, really. I’ve had dates with men who were newly single after a long relationship or marriage who were bewildered by the whole online dating scene. When we didn’t “click” dating-wise, it always seemed I fell into tutor role, helping them know what common mistakes to avoid.

But still…seriously?

*snort*

Now that’s more like it — reply from a different contact.
Now *this* is how to tell someone why you decided to send them an email:

Thanks for the reply. I was really impressed by your profile. My masterpiece is someone such as yourself who has beauty as well as an intellectual side. Physical attraction is only part of the equation. I need mental attraction as well. Meaningful conversations about life, love, and interesting topics are what I want. That is why I wrote you. Your bio was more in depth than most and you are quite beautiful too. Also, I have a six year old son and I saw that you have a young daughter. That is important also to meet someone who understands the responsibilities of being a good parent. I would love to know more about you as well. You should know my match account expires at the end of today. You can respond to my personal account at (email address).

Of course, it doesn’t hurt that he threw the word “beautiful” in there. I admit it, I like ego snacks. Another bonus for me is that he sees my daughter as a benefit, not something to put up with. Many times, I’ve received emails from people who “make an exception” to their “no kids” rule for me. Even though I want to believe their intentions are sincere, I find myself mama-lion-defensive of my girl — I never, ever want to be involved with anyone who sees her as something to merely tolerate. She’s worth celebrating, damn it. Yeah, I think I’ll reply to this one.

~~~~~

Coffee dates.
On the single parent note, I have decided that coffee dates are just not something worthwhile for me. In another time, I would have gladly (and spontaneously) hopped in the car and headed to a local barrista to meet up with a new prospect. It’s just not that simple now. Between being a full-time single mom and living about 10 miles north of town, I have to go through a lot of work in order to make space for what typically becomes a 5-minute size-me-up session. No thanks. If I’m arranging babysitting, I’m at least going to take *myself* out for a nice dinner. This isn’t about trolling for meals; I’d be just as happy going a hike or doing something that I otherwise would do. It’s about the use of my time.

Commenters, what do you think? Is this too narcissistic or self-absorbed for me to think this way? Who knows, maybe the guy I’m about to turn down (for said coffee date) just doesn’t interest me enough, and I’d find a way to meet someone who fascinated me.

~~~~~

Sex and Dating
Sarah, a frequent commenter over at Hugo’s place, has her new blog up and running. She recently wrote a letter to Focus on the Family’s Brio Magazine about sexual activity before marriage and posted both her letter and a reply from an employee at FotF that didn’t *quite* address her questions.

I’m honestly not too concerned about the premarital sex aspect from a religion standpoint. If you’ve read enough of these pages, you might get the idea that I’m not particularly conventional where religion is concerned. That said, from my past experience, I do agree that sex is something best left to a deep, monogamous, and possibly committed relationship. Sex-as-Sport is a fun idea, and I dabbled in it more than a little during my mid-to-late twenties. Again and again, though, I found that it left me feeling unfulfilled, lonely, and empty. In my attempts to “be a guy” (stereotypical guy, in a love-em-and-leave-em way), I began to lose bits of myself and refill the void with false confidence that needed constant refilling with sexual approval from outside. Oh, add to that, I hurt a few guys who were NOT typical guys in the process, but that’s a whole ‘nother post about how gender stereotypes hurt guys too.

Ironically, I’d gotten past this at the point when I conceived my daughter — but while I was no longer a predator and no longer treated sex lightly, my earlier experiences left me less prepared to indignantly yell NO when my boundaries were pushed.

Back to sex. As I start to seriously consider dating again, I’m now wondering what role physical contact will have for me. I say “will,” because frankly, at this point, I’ve been on the sexual equivalent of the top pantry shelf (hiding behind the extra bags of flour) for more than two years. It’s all kind of academic to me, and I’m starting to think that I’ve shut that side of myself down. What would it take to rekindle a nice blaze without burning down the entire forest? To get more corny with it, I’m in a drought, and I’d hate for someone’s haphazzardly thrown cigarette butt to start an out-of-control wildfire on now-protected land.

Okay, that was stretching it.

Anyway, this is something I’m considering, and I have no answers. Yet. But I do have an attractive, intelligent, creative man who wants to at least say hello. That’s a start, right?

Okay, I’ll ‘fess up. I decided that if I’m spending any of my energy on dating, I might as well take a broad focus about it and make my match profile visible again also. The one caveat: I’m not going on the hunt, but rather just looking at what comes my way.

Of course, going active on match again *could* just be an excuse to troll for bloggable material since even my list of topics to ponder hasn’t been inspiring lately. This arrived this morning, and I found myself shaking my head:

I have to say….I’m attracted to you, but I just don’t know exactly how and why?!?!?.

You seem fascinating to me…

I hope your night goes well.

J

Gee, I’m glad to know that your attraction to me confuses you, buddy. Figure it out, and let me know what you decide.

As I recently wrote, I’ve been on a dating hiatus. I’m easing up on that a bit (already?), and taking up my father’s offer for six months on eHarmony. So far, I’m finding that eH has a (much) broader audience now than it did in the early days, when it was almost exclusively conservative Christian. That’s a start. The format works well for avoiding time-suckage, since you don’t “shop” for matches, but rather, they provide them for you. Only time will tell.

The problem is this: once I finished what I was “working on” (heh) on eHarmony, I found myself drawn back over to match. I’ll just to look around a little. Oh, and I’ll update my profile…just in case I decide to make it visible again. Oooh, after updating, they give me a list of my current “good matches.” Browse, browse, browse…WTF?

Dude, I just stumbled upon the profile of a guy who lived down the hall from me in college — a California boy who’s now somehow landed in Denver. He’s hot as ever, but seems more interesting than I remember. That said, he’s still way. out. of. my. league. I shot him a note anyway, just to see if he remembered the annoyingly goody-goody girl who lived down the hall and scored a 98 on the Rice Purity Test as an incoming freshman. Okay, I admit it. I lied about the masturbation questions, but even then, I probably was still in the mid 90s.

Anyhoo, it could be fun to meet up with someone from so long ago. If I keep an open mind, I might actually create a friendship. First, though, I think I’d need to get past this sudden flashback to who I was then: trying too hard, overly earnest, so-smart-yet-so-dumb…yipe, yipe, yipe!

Update: 26% D’oh. Of course, I AM nearly 35, have lived with someone, and have a child. I’ve also regained a few points over the past few months/years.

I love it when an example from someone else’s life helps me explain something in my own. Today’s contribution comes from Hugo:

One of my earliest spiritual directors told me that in addition to a variety of spiritual activities, I needed to be celibate. He defined celibacy as not only no sexual activity, but also no dating, flirting, or what he liked to call “intriguing” (I love that verb) with women. I asked how long this period was supposed to last, and he gave me the typical spiritual director answer: “You’ll know. For now, just do this a day at a time.”

…

Thinking about what my director was asking me to do, I realized that I had spent years and years chasing the next exciting relationship. As much as I liked “going out” with various women, what I really loved was the fantasy that that night’s date might be “the one”, the one who was going to make me content and happy. I was always just one woman away from contentment! Just the prospect of someone new filled me with tremendous anticipation. I lived for years and years oscillating between hope and disappointment, idealization and disillusionment, neediness and loneliness. It’s not a happy way to live, and I know plenty of men and women who’ve lived that way — and some who still do.

(emphasis added)

Yeah, that’s definitely part of it for me. When I’m in the dating mindset, I think about “the one” a lot. I’m not talking about just the ocassional date and its excitement. I’m talking about spending hours, HOURS on match.com or whatever other dating site, in search of the elusive person who would make my life feel complete. It’s pathetic, really. Worse, searching for completion through another person becomes an easy way to stop looking at how I can improve my life by improving myself. It’s a vicious cycle during which, I spend so much time and energy searching for someone who meets *my* criteria that I neglect to work toward becoming the person I want to be…the person “the one” might also be seeking.

In other words, even if I find “the one,” chances are, he’s not looking for ME — at least not the “me” I am when I’m in dating mode.

Open Brackets is holding a singles ad writing competition for a free subscription to the London Review of Books. The ideal ad will read like one that would be printed in LRB’s pages.

As much as I love the idea of entering, I’m awed by the brilliance of this entry:

What does reason demand of a man? A very easy thing—to live in accord with his nature…

Two days of the week, I’ll be everything you want (pre-feminism domestic, fascinated by stadium sports, ornithologically vocal in bed). Two days of the week, you’ll be everything I want (hygienic, compassionate, deranged-but-details-fixated in bed). One day of the week we can try to relate to each other as whole people, without the mind games and role-playing and sexist social issues. Then we’ll take two days apart, to recuperate. Depressingly practical woman, 28, WLTM a man of reason 25-45. No sociopaths, criminals, or church-goers, please.

…about having someone link to you (even if it is in a semi-snippy manner) is finding a new blog that’s alternately funny/enlightening/provocative to read.

From an older post’s comment section:

…something my godfather had shared with me when I was a teenager: “Don’t marry someone unless you can’t imagine *not* marrying him.” With all former dates/boyfriends I easily could envision life without them, as well as perhaps a life with them (and the problems/issues that we had together). Not so my husband. We married within a year of our first date. And I still can’t (or don’t want to) imagine being without him.

I haven’t posted much about dating lately, primarily because there simply isn’t much to post. As I wrote before, I reactivated my match.com membership in January. Within perhaps a month (okay, maybe two), I realized that still, my heart just isn’t in it. Each time before that I’ve said this, I’ve framed it as, “I’m just not ready.” Finally, I admitted to myself that it’s not so much about being ready; it’s about just not wanting it.

Wrapping my brain around this realization — that I simply am not interested in bringing someone into my life to stir things up — is taking a little adjustment. At the same time, it’s freeing. If I imagine where I will be in five years, I just don’t see myself married. I see myself successful in my own right, parenting my beautiful girl, and perhaps planning for adoption of a second child. A man never enters that imagination. Yet still, I’ve pushed myself to date.

I recently talked to my counselor about this and he helped me to see that I need to let go (even more than I thought I already had) of what people tell me I *should* want, to focus on what it is that I *actually* want. I like the idea of a relationship, really…but in all practicality, I keep thinking that the men I see would make life more work for me rather than providing the friendship and partnership that I crave.

On that note, hat tip to Katie for pointing me toward this article. It pretty well sums up much of what I fear when I think about dating. A snippet:

We seem to have carried with us the unreconstructed sexism of the past — the objectification of women, inability to connect or communicate — but discarded its redeeming virtues. Where traditional masculinity embraced marriage, children and work as rites of passage into manhood, the 21st century version shuns them as emasculating, with the wife cast in the role of the castrating mother. The result resembles a childlike fantasy of manhood that is endowed with the perks of adulthood — money, sex, freedom — but none of its responsibilities.

Take a look at the rest; it’s worth a read. I know that there are men out there who haven’t been sucked into this mentality. Perhaps when I meet one, I might find myself inspired to get involved. I’d love to meet someone I couldn’t imagine not having in my life.