Wahhhh! Moooo-oooom, they’re picking on me! I thought they were MY friends!

(nice visual, eh?)

Over the past few weeks, I’ve started to wonder (fear, actually) that I might need my meds adjusted upward. Anxiety has crept in. A general cantankerousness has joined my normally happy demeanor. I’m not excited about my life. And most of all, I find myself engaging in a thought script that involves a lot of doubt about myself, my life, and my choices. All of these are big red flag type indicators that something is amiss. But I’m only now spending the time delving in. Why?

For one thing, I’d be lying if I said pride wasn’t a factor. Yes, I might be on an antidepressant, but I’m on a low dose, and have never needed anything more than that. Pretty stupid, huh?

Beyond that, I have a case of fear-based “what if”s. What if I raise the dose, and that only helps for a brief time before I start tumbling again? What if I am *gasp* irreparably broken? If so, why fight? Why not just accept? Well, there is that teensy issue that life quickly becomes not worth much if I do give in.

Finally, I realized that if I’m needing a dose-boost, perhaps that means that there are non-medication fixes that I need in my life. Okay, not “perhaps” there are, but undoubtedly, there are changes that I need to make. And the biggest change I need to make is that I must — just must — get thoughts out of my head for processing more often. I rarely write any more, and when I do, it’s not of much substance, just a quote and a quip.

So, here I am, with a brain full-to-bursting of ideas, thoughts, emotions, and writing material. Why am I not writing?

Self-censorship.

This is a big deal, one that I’ve touched upon before. Wow, how much things have changed since those days, huh? What remains true is that for me to write well, I need to allow myself the freedom to write whatever strikes me, without worry about who’s reading. Does that mean I should just journal privately? Well, no — I don’t think so. Part of the fulfilling nature of writing for me is in having feedback (even the absence of feedback is feedback)!

Crap. I realize now, I’m censoring myself even in writing about censorship. Crap, crap, crap.

Moving on (since I’m a bit stuck), I moved to my current town (and it IS a town — only 20k people give or take, and an hour+ drive to Santa Fe) in February. As a result, while I have a few “friends” those friendships are more of the acquaintance variety. And, I do have a few very close friendships I maintain remotely, but how much do I want to dump on those folks with what’s in my head? At least one of my good friends, I’ve come to almost develop a complex about how much I’ve used her ear as I’ve struggled (yes, struggled) through the last two years. Yet, just the way my mind works (truly, I am very much an extrovert in how I process information), I must get thoughts out of my head in order to make sense of them. If I just think things over, it’s as if my brain is scratched CD. I’ll move on to other thoughts, just to have my current issue grab me again. If I write thoughts down, I can swim around in them a bit, picking them up and examining them one at a time, rearranging them until they make a modicum of sense to me. I can find patterns rather than being stuck with details. Telling my thoughts as a story, the story starts to take shape. I have a somewhat cohesive (if confusing) whole rather than a million discreet bits of mental debris.

But, if I write about my husband, he has this address. If I write about my beliefs regarding religion, it feels like I alienate people whom I love dearly, but who I know are believers. And in some cases, I have people I know in real life who read, but might not have the maturity of tact when sharing my thoughts with others.

Is it time for a new blog? What does it mean to be authentically myself, complete with the ugly parts and inconsistencies, and how do I balance that with kindness and compassion?

Whatever the answer, I need to find an outlet for all of this clutter that’s in my head. It’s making me crazy.

I received this with the title “YOU MUST TAKE THE TIME TO WATCH THIS!” in my inbox.

Please take just a few to watch an extremely well done video.

Take a look at this video on Obama’s support of infanticide:
http://tw.youtube.com/watch?v=VIdbYjmbFzo

.

I feel like I’m supposed to give a preface to my reply for blogging purposes…but no, I think this says it all. My reply:

(first name),

I am an Obama supporter. One who’s informed enough to realize that this is entirely misleading propaganda. One who’s also donated a sizeable amount to his campaign and very strongly hopes he will become our next President, because he will do very well for our country.

If you are honestly interested in learning Senator Obama’s record and position on this issue, here is a link where the details are presented in their entirely. The campaign’s summary of this issue:

STATEMENT
“Senator Obama strongly supports Roe v. Wade and a woman’s right to choose. He believes that there is a moral and ethical element to this issue, and he believes that women do not make these decisions casually, but wrestle with them in consultation with their doctors, pastors and family. Senator Obama understands that some will disagree with him and choose not to support him, and he respects those with different opinions. But the recent attacks on Senator Obama that allege he would allow babies born alive to die are outrageous lies. The suggestion that Obama — the proud father of two little girls — and others who opposed these bills supported infanticide is deeply offensive and insulting. There is no room for these kinds of distortions and lies in this campaign. What Senator Obama’s attackers don’t tell you is that existing Illinois law already requires doctors to provide medical care in the very rare case that babies are born alive during abortions. They will not tell you that Obama voted against these laws in Illinois because they were clear attempts to undermine Roe v. Wade. They will not tell you that these laws were also opposed by pro-choice Republicans and the Illinois Medical Society — a leading association of doctors in the state. And they will not tell you that Obama has always maintained that he would have voted for the federal version of this bill, which did not pose such a threat. The bills Senator Obama voted against in Illinois were crafted to undermine Roe v. Wade or pre-existing Illinois state law regulating reproductive healthcare and medical practice, which is why Senator Obama objected to them.” (emphasis added by Allison)

Yes, Senator Obama is pro-choice. So am I. When I learned that I was quite unexpectedly pregnant with Maya, I was shocked at how quickly I began to contemplate termination. No one would have ever known, other than my absolute closest confidant — my cousin whi is more like a sister to me. I would have “looked” completely responsible (sexually) to anyone who saw from the outside. I put serious thought into it, and in the end, I decided that for me, termination would not have been the right choice. In the end, I have Maya.

It would be easy to look at Maya and say, “See? Abortion is wrong; it would have kept you from having this amazing little girl!” I don’t see it that way at all. What the availability of termination did for me is made my choice to become a parent just that; a choice. I can never, ever look at Maya and motherhood as someone/thing forced into my life. I decided to become her parent, and I am a better mother because of having the option to choose to not be a parent in the first place.

I know this is long, and I hope you take it as it’s intended — not as an attack, but purely as a window in the minds of people who think differently than you do. I am not evil. People who support “the other guy” aren’t evil. We’re also not blindly following someone who’s supposedly-vacuous speeches make us feel good. We’ve put thought into our decisions.

Back to the original video, it’s worth taking a look at the context in which decisions are made. Reality is rarely as simple as it appears on the surface

With much love,
Allison
.

The average person thinks he isn’t.
- Father Larry Lorenzoni

Adventure is just bad planning.
- Roald Amundsen

In real life, unlike in Shakespeare, the sweetness of the rose depends upon the name it bears. Things are not only what they are. They are, in very important respects, what they seem to be.

- Hubert H. Humphrey

Thoughts?

~~~

I’m off to Colorado (yet again) for a few days — Mike has a conference in Denver, so we’re joining him, then spending the weekend with my folks.

Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities.
- Aldous Huxley

Google “IUD Depression”

So Joy told me, and so I did. And damn. Just…DAMN. I screwed up, folks. When da Man told me that the Mirena is low dose ONLY delivered locally, I believed it. I didn’t do my due dilligence. Again…I fucked up.

What?

Oh, right. May 19th — I had a Mirena IUD fitted. I loved the idea of short or no periods — and since the hormones stay “local,” I wasn’t concerned about the side effects that I know MY body gives me from hormonal B/C. Within one week, I started having weird, dark thoughts and anxiety. 11 days after getting the Mirena, I had a full-blown anxiety episode. Yes, what I found were primarily anecdotes, but they sounded exactly like what I was experiencing. I read all weekend, and finally found one document from the Canadian division of Bayer that suggested that Mirena might be a bad idea for people who’ve experienced “psychiatric episodes, especially those of a depressive nature” — to a point where the Mirena may need to be removed.

Well, well, well. Document from Bayer in hand, I went to my 2-week check-up, and requested (okay, insisted) that the thing be removed. My NP had never experienced this side effect before, and was glad I’d brought documentation. She said she’d bring this up at the next staff meeting — so that even if my side effects were rare (I was the first she’d seen), at least they’d know they’re in the universe of possibility.

Within a few days I started to feel better. At about a week, I darned near felt normal again, I thought. At 10 days, I wanted to shoot myself.

I’d been warned. Along with all the anecdotal hoo-hah about Mirena side effects were horror stories of the “Mirena Crash” — this low, low point that could occur 1-1/2 to 2 weeks post removal, in the time between the loss of the synthetic progesterone’s loss and the body’s notice to start producing on its own. Yet, still, I had (have) no idea how long this crash might last. And what if this isn’t a crash, but the hormonal changes started an avalanche of symptoms that now can’t be stopped? What if I spent a year hating mornings and wanting to strange my 3-year-old? Or ready to punch a wall when the baby just. wouldn’t. sleep?

I broached it to Mike. In reality, I wept and sobbed to Mike, making a sad, sad case that “I know I’ll be fine. I know what it is, so I can push through it.” Somehow, hearing that along with the idea that I thought my kids deserved more (and that was the brightest, sunniest of my dark thoughts), didn’t convince him. “Please,” he said. “Please go see the doctor tomorrow. Go before I leave for D.C.”

And I did. And I wonder why I waited so long. You have no idea how bad you feel until you just don’t feel bad anymore. Heck, I might even say, I FEEL GOOD.

Effexor is a real bitch to discontinue. But she’s MY bitch again. And I’m glad. At least this time, when the time comes, I know what to expect: that it will take months of slowly ramping down and a switch to other drugs before Ms. E lets me be.

But you know what? It’s still worth it. Already, I’m more myself. Cliches and all.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

One of today’s quote’s from iGoogle:

Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness.
- Robertson Davies

Treasures from unhappiness. It makes an odd sort of sense to me, especially considering how my last several weeks have gone. On the 26th of May, I began to show symptoms of anxiety and/or postpartum depression (PPD). On the 27th, I had such a difficult time concentrating, that I decided to push off the grad program from my planned June 2 start date. I mean, if I couldn’t concentrate enough to write my entrance essay, how the &^%$ did I think I’d do grad work? On the 30th, I had a full-blown panic/anxiety attack, complete with fears I’d end up rocking in a corner somewhere in an institution.

Thankfully, I have a good friend who stepped in to my cry of “HELP!” and talked me back into reality, made me promise to go see a doctor about meds for PPD, and generally helped me step away from the cliff’s edge. After we got off the phone, I was simply exhausted — but at least back into my own skin.

Within half an hour, she called back with a command. “Google ‘IUD Depression’.”

to be continued…

Earlier today, I received an email invitation to a session regarding financial aid/loans for an online University where I am considering working on a Masters. The date is a couple of weeks out, at a time I can manage, with some planning (Maya would need to stay later at preschool/childcare). I clicked the link to register.

You have been registered for blah-blah-blah session on June 12th at 1pm EDT.

I glance at the clock. It’s June 12th, 12:50pm EDT — as in, nearly 2 hours after the session’s start. First of all, this isn’t the session I responded to. Second, even if it were, why the fuck would they register me for something that’s already nearly over?

I emailed my contact at the online U:

The email to which I responded was for a session on Wednesday, June 25th. The information I received is for a session today — one that has already started and ended. When you have a chance, please help me get correctly registered. Thanks!

He responded:

Hello Allison,

You are not the first candidate to miss a web forum due to the time difference. Please review the two Web Forums below.

(details for sessions)

Please let me know which you will be registering for and if you require any further assistance in the registration process.

Have a great day!

My initial reaction: prideful annoyance. Dude. I did NOT miss a session for which I’d registered. Do you think I’m an idiot?

Second reaction: Questioning their competence. Do I really want to do grad work here?

Final reaction (I think): Eh, let it ride. I’ll re-register sometime via the website rather than an email link (for more control, I hope). The contact’s opinion of me isn’t THAT important.

See this? This is what my gorgeous view looks like, with and without window film. Window film is today’s project, and who knew it could be such a total PITA to install? Let’s just say that this is as far as we’ll likely get today.

The color is gray. It makes my New Mexico sky darker and less blue. The bright greens that cover the mountains are subdued. I hate it. The lighting coming into the house is less of a warm color. Everything looks…dull.

On the left side the sofa measures 85 degrees. On the right? 100+. Guess if window film will help my un-air-conditioned house to be in the 70s instead of 80s this time of day, I can deal.